I Feel Trapped
Shared by Stacey
Trigger Warning
This story contains references to sexual coercion, pornography, and emotional abuse within a current relationship.
I am still with my partner.
He watches a lot of pornography and wants me to participate in the swinging lifestyle. I have. There were times when I even convinced myself I was having fun.
But I don't want this anymore.
One of the things he enjoys most is arranging for me to have sex with groups of men while he watches. He says that's what he likes.
I've tried telling him that I don't want to live this way anymore. Every time I bring it up, he becomes angry, cold, and mean.
The other day, I finally told him what my heart has been trying to say all along.
"I just want you... no one else."
I told him I wanted a relationship built on love, commitment, and unconditional acceptance.
His response shattered me.
He told me there is no such thing as unconditional love. He said he couldn't be with me if I got fat or if I didn't want to be part of the lifestyle anymore.
Those words broke something inside of me.
The hardest part is... I love him.
I don't want to lose him.
But I also know I can't keep living like this.
The stress is making me sick. My body feels exhausted. My mind never rests. I feel like I'm losing pieces of myself every day.
I feel trapped between the person I love and the life I know I no longer want.
Sometimes I wonder if wanting to be enough for the person you love is really asking for too much.
XO Stacey
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